I was beginning to get tempted by those fertility drugs mentioned earlier, we were approaching 2 years of “trying” and I thought that getting pregnant would help with all the sin in my heart in regard to others. Then God in His infinite mercy had me meet Cara at a seminary wives meeting. She was there to talk about her experience with infertility. She was there to talk to me. She shared her story of being a seminary wife, (surrounded by all these fertile women) and year and year would go by and no baby for them. Cara describe a baby shower that she was invited to while in the throes of having no news of pregnancy herself. The hostess decided everyone should go around the room, introduce themselves and tell how many children they had and ages. Well it got to Cara, “Hi my name is Cara.” The end. As she drove home from the baby shower in tears she called out to God telling Him how alone she felt there, she was the only woman who had no children. She was reminded,
“I was alone on the cross bearing the wrath for your sin, my own Father could not look at me. I too, know what it is like to be alone.”
God came down in the flesh to die for me, to give Himself for me, a pure spotless Lamb.
“For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin.” Hebrews 4:15 NASB
I’m concerned about a baby? He rescued me from death and hell! Hallelujah! He didn’t throw a pity party. He didn’t wallow in bitterness. He said, “No one has taken it away from Me, but I lay it down on My own initiative.” John 10:18 He willingly laid down His perfect life for His bride, the church, to bring us to God. Anything we label as “good” in this life is just a bonus!
O taste and see that the Lord is good;
How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!
O fear the Lord, you His saints;
For to those who fear Him there is no want.
The young lions do lack and suffer hunger;
But they who seek the Lord shall not be in want of any good thing. Psalm 34:8-10 NASB
How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!
O fear the Lord, you His saints;
For to those who fear Him there is no want.
The young lions do lack and suffer hunger;
But they who seek the Lord shall not be in want of any good thing. Psalm 34:8-10 NASB
Cara went on to ask, “Is Jesus enough?” I really had to wrestle with that question. If I answered honestly that evening my answer would have been a quick “no”. He wasn’t enough. I felt that I deserved more, that I deserved a baby. But the truth was I didn’t even deserve what Jesus had already given me, LIFE in Him! My heart took a sharp turn at this point in the journey. I would then wake up each morning and set my heart to rejoice in my savior and my answer to Him being enough a resounding “yes!” Memory scripture was very helpful during this time of intense battle against my flesh. When self-pity, sadness, or jealousy would creep in I would,
Lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles me, and run with endurance the race that is set before me, fixing my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:1 NASB emphasis added)
It was so freeing to set the gospel before myself daily, I was finally able to rejoice with my friends (and acquaintances!) who were expecting new little blessings. I was also able to really mourn with those going through a loss. My heart was knit so closely with other women who were praying for God to bless their womb and with women who were trusting God to bring them a husband. I felt compassion for the mom who was pregnant again who did not expect it and the house was small and the money was tight. I did not just become more content with our current state of non-pregnancy, I was being conformed into the image of Christ in all aspects of life as I grew closer to Him, knowing Him more, and depending on Him for all things.
(Side note: I struggle with even using the word “infertility” because those of us who are in Christ should never be labeled “infertile”. We have a high calling to make disciples of all nations and teaching them to observe all that Christ has commanded us. Many godly men and women have walked this earth who never marry or have any biological children but have brought many spiritual children into the kingdom of God.)
We eventually saw a naturopathic doctor who prescribed some natural herbs and supplements, diet change, and exercise. I was glad we waited and was comfortable with a natural approach to help encourage my body to do what it was created to do. God had been so merciful to bring me to closer to Him through that time; I would not have it any other way. We saw immediate results with her regiment and within 6 months we were expecting our first baby! Praise God! We were counseled by godly friends (who were already parents) on everything pregnancy, birth, and parenting. It was such a blessing! The first trimester was also a sad time for me because the season of life of struggling and clinging to the Lord for contentment in the midst of Him saying “no” to a baby at that moment had changed. I still needed to rely on Him. I still had to find my contentment in Christ. But it was different. I was sad over the “loss” of closeness and too learned how to transition to a new season of life with the same zeal and reliance on the true and living God.
I was very grateful for the decision 2 years earlier to “let God be sovereign over my womb”. Our baby girl was an easy pregnancy, (except the 1st trimester morning sickness-but I didn’t care!) a wonderful home birth experience, and a content baby. By the time Faith was 3 months old, we were ready for another one! I assumed we would have to take some of the herbs and supplements as before that are not recommended while breastfeeding so I knew it would be a while until we could try again.
We found out when our daughter was 16 months old that we were blessed with baby #2! We didn’t take any of the herbs/supplements like before. I confided in a friend that I had the silly thoughts that I might miscarry this baby because it seemed like it was “my turn” in the inevitable after knowing so many friends have miscarriages. But 1st trimester went by with lots of throw up and weight loss and we entered into 2nd trimester and saw the baby on the ultrasound, everything looked great and it was a BOY! But still there was an uneasiness that something was “off”.
I pushed back my intuition with all the wonderful information we received at every appointment, everything looked great!
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