At almost exactly one year after God called me out of darkness and into His marvelous light, I married the man of my dreams. Wes and I were young, in love, and had faith that God was going to provide for everything in between (and He has). I was a new believer and he was young in the faith as well. I had taken birth control for the last 7 years. It seemed like it was the thing to do if your period was a little off and your cramps were excruciating. Soon after we were married Wes mentioned to me getting off the pill and letting God be in control over my womb. He showed me this passage in Genesis:
God blessed them; and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”(Genesis 1:28)
He pointed out that the command God gave to them was a blessing! And this is one of the things God intended for marriage from the beginning, to be fruitful with little blessings.
I freaked out a little.
All I wanted growing up was to be a wife and mom. I seriously only went to college to find my husband and maybe have a career when all the kids were grown and out of the house! (yes, I am admitting that) But now that my husband was telling me, “yes, let’s have children” I was caught up with thoughts, of
“but we don’t have enough money”
“let’s wait to buy a house”
“let’s travel”...
and all the other thoughts of worldly achievements. Wes did not mention it again and took the issue to the Lord in prayer. After a couple weeks I started feel convicted. God started showing me that my desires were temporary and that I did not believe Him when He said that Children are a gift from Him and that the fruit of the womb is a reward. (Ps 127:3) So I came home from work one day (which Wes says he remembers ever so clearly) and said to him,
“I want God to be sovereign over my womb”.
I had no idea what these words spoken 5 years ago would actually mean to me now. God has used these 9 words to shape the way I have viewed the last 5 years and have carried me through a lot of refining moments. My husband rejoiced, he was thankful for the decision to be open to having children but was more thankful for the change in my heart to desire to be obedient to the will of God. After this decision, I had a peace knowing that I was being obedient to what I felt the Lord was calling me to. It wasn’t scary and all of the things on the “let’s do these things first” list didn’t matter anymore. I was excited- we were probably going to have a baby soon!
WRONG. Soon is such a relative term anyway, right?
A couple of months went by without getting pregnant, then the whole summer was gone and still nothing. I didn’t think anything of it; I was actually content and was enjoying getting to know my husband more (We married after knowing each other 8 months). Then we decided for Wes to finish school and that meant moving from Tennessee to Minnesota with less than 1 months notice with no jobs and no place to live. Crazy. I know. That’s pretty much how we do things in the Melton household. It was exciting and I was relieved that we were not navigating a new phase of life (pregnancy) in a new place with so many unknowns. We felt led to go, we were trusting in God’s timing with children in light of our new found home in Minneapolis.
Then a year went by. Then another 6 months.
And we are in school at a college and seminary. Seminary wives have babies. Lots of babies. Not all of them but a lot of them. And then the thoughts start creeping in, “why does she get to be pregnant?”
“I would make a way better mom than her”
“If someone else announces they are pregnant “by accident”. AGAIN. I’m going to lose it”
“We would raise our children in the fear and instruction of the Lord, why does God keep giving all these other people babies and not us?!”
Answer: Because He loves me, He loves Wes and He cares more about our holiness than our happiness. And I was prideful and hurt by others blessings instead of humbling myself and rejoicing with them.
During that time I happened to read a pamphlet on bitterness it included the “sweet water, bitter water” analogy:
If you’re holding a cup of sweet water and someone bumps into you and spills your cup than you will spill out sweet water. However, if you have bitter water in your cup and someone bumps into you than bitter water is what will spill out.
Point: The person “bumping” into you isn’t determining what is coming out of your cup! This was so life changing for me. No one was making me bitter or jealous, that was already inside of me. Their news or story or comment was just making what was already there come out. It was so helpful, God poured out His grace and truth in my life and made me deal with these feelings for what they are: SIN.
Then, our OB/GYN recommended that we take fertility drugs. Here we were at another crossroads. But those words that I said only a year and a half before came back:
“I want God to be sovereign over my womb”
We did not feel comfortable taking any of the fertility medication. I felt that God had a purpose in the “infertility” He was allowing us to experience. I wanted to press in to know the Lord more and to follow Him and to seek His counsel about what we should do. I was in a small group of women, some married with children and some were single (desiring a husband), and we would pray together. It was amazing how God knit our hearts together through prayer and sharing our desires for being godly wives and moms while yet being content in Christ in the current circumstance of “infertility”. I was able to share in the heartache of yearning for something that God says is good, a husband or children, with other women that I would not have otherwise been able to know and understand those strong desires.
There were still moments of bitterness and jealousy that would come spilling out when another facebook announcement would pop up on my screen. I would have to walk away and just pray and give it over to the Lord. “Lord, I know you love me but I am really struggling with jealousy and bitterness toward so-and-so who just announced they are pregnant. Help me to be happy for them and rejoice in this new little life you’ve given them.” He would help! It was so freeing to take this constant battle to the Lord.
Then, one of my best friends called, “I’m pregnant”, I was just pulling up to our house. My stomach dropped, I almost burst into tears right then on the phone but I pulled it together and asked questions instead. “Oh, I didn’t realize y’all were trying?” (Thinking: “Lord! They have been on birth control and NOT trusting you! How could you give them a baby first!?”) She responds, “it was our first month trying”. Ok. Just stab me, right here in my gut, seriously? I sound all happy on the phone and make up an excuse to get off the phone as quickly as possible. I crumble on our bedroom floor and sob, bitter water spills everywhere. My poor husband, what is he supposed to do or say? He can’t say anything right or do anything right, I’m already spewing bitter water, that’s all that would come out.
The truth was I wanted to be god, or at least I wanted to be my own god that did everything I wanted, when I wanted it and how I wanted it. Who was I to determine how or if they were trusting the Lord? She didn’t make me feel the way I was, that was already inside me and I need to deal with my own sin with God. Then, she calls me again a few weeks later, “we lost the baby”. I knew in my head what the right response was, to feel sad and to mourn with those who mourn but where were my tears now? I was so quick to crumble and cry at my pitiful infertility but where was the compassion and hurt when one of my very best friends will never meet the baby I was so jealous over. I felt sick to my stomach. Sin destroys life, steals joy, and delights in destruction. I wanted nothing to do with this sin that was making me a person that was more upset at my own misery than being compassionate for a friend’s loss.
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