Then December 15th rolled around and labor began (I actually told my husband when we moved into our house on November 11th to be ready for baby December 15th, I didn’t want to be caught off guard or unprepared even though our due date was January 3rd). On the morning of December 16th, our baby boy was born! I immediately thought that he looked like a “Jude” (a name we had previously discussed but not settled on) and he looked just like his sister did when she was born, except some “minor” details. ;)
Jude needed a little bit of oxygen after he was born, which they were able to give him while I held him. I wasn’t worried though, he was in fact just a few days past 37 weeks. I held him and loved him! His birth was completely different from his sister’s birth and my attachment with him was immediate (something I did not experience my first time). I was anxious for Faith to meet her brother, we moved out of the birthing tub and onto the bed and she came in shortly after. She was so sweet, she was very gentle and seemed to be very aware that the baby we discussed for so many months was finally here! We then moved to my bathroom so baby and I could take a nice, warm herb bath (oh the joys of homebirth!). Once in the tub and holding my baby on my legs, he looked up at me for the first time opening his eyes. They were almond shaped, like I had seen them before, and while not wanting to admit it to myself I knew I had, every person with Down’s syndrome I had ever seen had those eyes. There were some other features that led me to the same conclusion:
My son has Down’s syndrome.
Here are my next thoughts in order:
Oh praise the Lord! We aren’t rushing to the hospital! His heart seems to be working- this is a great sign! I know there can be a lot of medical problems and I’m so glad he’s doing okay.
I wish every mom could experience this moment with me. There is nothing wrong with him! Nothing! Yeah he has 3 copies of the 21st chromosome but he’s a baby who needs to be nursed and loved and swaddled-this doesn’t change anything about how I will treat him as my son!
Oh my goodness, I know the statistics for aborting a baby with suspected Trisomy 21 (Down Syndrome) is exceptionally high (some studies say up to 67%, some say as high as 92% of baby’s diagnosis in the womb are aborted) oh I wish everyone could share this moment with me. I love him even more! He’s perfect!
Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow. James 1:17 NASB
And I remembered my words almost 5 years earlier,
“I want God to be sovereign over my womb”
How merciful and gracious is our God! He reminded me of my trust in Him, when at the time of my words I thought it was whether we were going to have 20 children or not! I’ve learned it has meant infinitely more. It means that He is in control and that I trust His sovereignty of when He chooses to close or open my womb, whether He chooses to give me life or miscarriage, and what that life will look like, my “perfect” child or God’s perfect gift disguised in what the world calls Down’s Syndrome. (Right now, as I type he is laughing to himself oh what pure joy!)
I chose not to say anything to my husband who was sitting in the bathroom with me. I didn’t think he would handle it well coming from me. After all, I still was hanging on to the chance that he didn’t have it. And let’s be honest, I didn’t really want to be the mom who said my son looked like he had Down’s syndrome and then didn’t have it. So I was looking to my midwife to confirm or ease my suspicions.
I nervously sat in my bed while the midwives did the newborn exam at my feet. My husband had run downstairs to help our daughter with something. Stacey was there and part of me wishes no one was there so I could just hide it, I could pretend that he was “genetically normal” and move on with life. My wonderfully skilled midwife began saying she wanted us to go to the pediatrician the next day (usually you go after a week or 2) and started pointing out some physical features. I asked her to hold on and to get Wes. She continued with the physical features (that I didn’t want to hear) and wanted us to get him checked out. She wouldn’t say “Down’s syndrome” though. I said, “So what do you think all those things are an indication of?” (I suspected in her experience parents do much better when they see something in the child versus being completely caught off guard when someone else tells them information which I knew was exactly what was about to happen to my dear husband). Somewhere in there I was able to say, “Down’s syndrome?” to which she confirmed and then the rest was kind of a blur. Wes didn’t say much and neither did I. No one was crying and I didn’t want anyone to see me cry because I thought they would think that I didn’t want my baby. So I held it in. But secretly I was thinking (and remember at this point I knew close to ZERO about Down’s syndrome),
Will he get married?
Will he ever live on his own?
Is he going to live with us forever?
What are people going to think of him? Of us?
What are we going to do? Are the next few years going to be filled with therapy and doctor appointments?
I don’t want him to look different, everyone is going to treat him different, he’s not going to have any friends!
He’s probably not ever going to ________ (fill in the blank with any absurd thing that only 1% or less of the population actually accomplishes anyway)
And I was also thinking
What an amazing gift
I know God has so many plans for us and He is working all things together for my good.
I have the opportunity to love this little boy and raise him in the fear and admonition of the Lord.
I am being so vain! I didn’t realize how much in me was so selfish, I had no idea I had such worldly aspirations for my children! Lord, help me!
And He did. In the form of Jude’s name. We discussed this name early in pregnancy because Wes had been memorizing the book of Jude:
“Jude, a slave of Jesus Christ...” Jude 1:1 NASB
Remember, I already thought he looked like a “Jude” right after he was born and now that I knew he has Down’s syndrome and was struggling with thoughts of Jude not being who I wanted him to be (side note: are we supposed to act super disappointed when our “typical” children don’t “turn out” the way we wished? Are we supposed to have a melt down on their 20th birthday if they aren’t on the track we dreamt up 20 years prior??!!) I then realized, even if Jude would more than likely never play professional baseball, be a neurosurgeon, or an astronaut I knew God could do one thing in Jude,
Make him a slave of Jesus Christ.
All the other thoughts and concerns seemed to melt away when God grasped my heart with this truth. I then repented over my worldly dreams for my daughter too and prayed that God would hold fast in me this desire for my children to be above all else: a slave of Jesus Christ.
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