Dearest Daddy 1.18.09

Dearest Daddy, (aka Wacko Man)

On some days, I still feel like I could pick up the phone and call you. You were always one of my favorite people to call since between the two of us, we never ran out of things to talk about. In fact, our last conversation we talked about politics, of course, specifically public schools, vouchers, choice, etc. and then... how you were going to walk me down the aisle in a few weeks and give me away to Wes and we said "I love you" before we hung up. 

I'm pretty sure from my 16th birthday on, you cried every year, and you always wrote in the card that you and mom gave me that, "you will always be my little girl". Oh, how I wish I would've cherished those moments a little longer. It meant so much to me that you started taking me on "dates" when I was 11, because "I wasn't allowed to date until I was 30 and if my husband let me" as much as I said I hated this "rule" I secretly felt really special and liked it! I never got too old for dates either, even after I was engaged to Wes we went on a date-that was so much fun! 

So much has happened since you left us, it just doesn't make sense, you were always the life of the party and you always pointed out the good in REALLY bad situations- I LOVED that about you.

Dad, I miss you and I really wish you were still here...

It has been 2 years today since my Dad died. Wes (my husband), my fiancé at the time, had to deliver the news to me, "Leah, your dad took his own life tonight" when I replay the words in my head I still get the feeling I did when I first heard them. My almost initial thought after being told the news was my memory verse that week:

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

These were the reassuring words that I needed to hear from my heavenly Father, as hard as they are to understand or wrap my mind around how all things, even death, work together for good. But God is a good God and these are His words, the only truth. God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change and though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea (Psalm 46:1, 2). How can these words NOT cause me to praise the Lord and seek Him in all things?

People’s reactions to death can be so different, a common reaction is being angry with God but, just as through one man sin entered into the world, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men, because all sinned (Romans 5:12).  Sin is the reason why my Dad committed suicide, the same reason why some people die of cancer, or car accidents, or in their sleep at an old age.  Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away (James 4:14). I have learned so much about how precious time is since my Dad passed away. I can’t help but think that if my Dad could come back and tell us all one thing, it would be that the world is passing away, and also its lusts; but the one who does the will of God lives forever (1 John 2:17). He wouldn’t tell us which stock to invest in, or which job to take, he would tell us to repent of our sins, to turn away from this world and what it has to offer and turn to Jesus, trusting in Him in all things, that's all that matters. But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved) (Ephesians 2:4-5)

The days following my Dad's suicide, I was surrounded with family and friends who were grieving alongside us and mourning this tragic loss themselves. Even in this process, God gave me a peace that surpasses all comprehension (Philippians 4:7). I had several people comment on "how well I was doing", which made me feel I looked like I didn't care. I cared so much. But I realized and am still realizing that my hope wasn't in my dad, and now, it is not in my husband, or a bank account, or family or jobs, my hope can only be in Christ. He is eternal; He is the same yesterday, today and forever.

I started this blog with this thought in mind,

“I want to live a life that is worth writing about, one that exalts Christ. I want to be able to say, "I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish (literally: excrement of animals) so that I may gain Christ" Philippians 3:8. “ –from my first blog post on November 20, 2010.

I want to take advantage of everything in this life here on earth to point me to Christ and to make me more like Him. The things on this earth are all going to pass away, even people we love very much. But Jesus is very much alive, and the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as fas as division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart. (Hebrews 4:12)

Lord, please help me to live everyday as though it is my last, glorifying You in all things and living by Your word.

 Therefore if you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is our life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in glory. Colossians 3:1-4

 Thanksgiving 2007

 University of Tennessee Game Day

One of my favorite pictures of my parents!

Dad & Dodger playing!

 

Me and Dad - 4th of July Party (2008)!

There's no virtue in ALMOST driving off a cliff...

Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself so that you too will not be tempted. Galatians 6:1

Notice that it does NOT say, so that you do not sin, or fall into sin, but rather temptation. I've never given this much thought until reading a book recently on the topic. Bob Kauflin in the book, Wordliness, writes this:

"Sometimes we pride ourselves in what we can handle, as if exposing ourselves to temptation were a virtue. That attitude reminds me of a story I once read about a group of coach drivers applying for a job. One of them would be chosen to carry the king's children up and down a narrow, winding road leading up to the king's mountain-top castle. With dozens of steep drop-offs and no guardrails, it was a daunting assignment.
The king's chief liveryman asked each candidate this question: "How close can you get to the edge without going over?"
The applicants offered various responses indicating their confidence and skill. One man boasted he could drive the horses at nearly full speed for the entire length of the road, always keeping within six inches from the edge.
The interviewer was unimpressed. Finally, one driver stepped forward and responded, "Sir, if it's the king's children, I want to stay as far from the edge as I possibly can."
He was hired."

I think all Christians, at one time or another, whether in their own hearts or in speech has boasted in how close they can get to sin without doing it, but there is no virtue in this. Scripture tells us to flee temptation. We ask to not be led into temptation in the Lord's prayer. In fleeing from temptation we flee from sin. I recently realized I'm not much different than a dog, my dog to be exact. Dodger is not allowed to have people food, however, he cleans up the kitchen floor after I cook and gets food that sometimes falls from the table so he knows exactly how yummy people food is. Sometimes when we are eating he sits right at our feet, and other times, he minds his own business and is in the other room. But when he sits right at our feet, he gets excited, sometimes whines, drools, and you can tell he is just going nuts on the inside. However, when he is in the other room, he doesn't even notice, he's calm and collected. Either way, he does not get people food, the difference is that he had to resist it so much more when he puts himself in the way of temptation and it is so much more agonizing than if he ignores it and stays far from it. I am the same way with sin, I am hopefully going to choose not to sin but how much easier and less painful if I don't even tempt myself and make it an option!

I was struggling with the sin of discontentment in the area of material things and I kept taking trips to the mall just to "look". I continued to spend money but no matter how much I bought, I always wanted more. I realized that this was a problem in my life and realized I had to cut off the temptation completely so I stopped shopping, when friends would ask me to go to the mall I would just simply say no. This was hard at first but the freedom from the lust of shopping was worth it! In 2 months I realized I had plenty of things, really too many things, and developed an appreciation for what I do have. I didn't even realize that I was in bondage to discontentment until I got rid of the temptation of finding my contentment in material things. How silly I am!

Thankfully, we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin.(Hebrews 4:15) Since we are only human temptation is not completely avoidable, but do not be discouraged because, No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)
Thank you Jesus for coming to die for me and taking on the sins in my life so that I can be set free from sin and death, you are the only way of escape!